


There Are Two Things That Everyone Loves: Cats and Lasers

by ThanksForTheHeroinHunkyJesus



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Multi, but damn it if you arent getting it anyway, frankly its the au nobody even wanted, i will shove my garbage directly down your throats if i have to, the au nobody asked for
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 13:37:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15220295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThanksForTheHeroinHunkyJesus/pseuds/ThanksForTheHeroinHunkyJesus
Summary: In the future, there was a nuclear war.And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths.Some will use the cats for good, others for evil.Who will win in a world of...LASER CATS!





	There Are Two Things That Everyone Loves: Cats and Lasers

"Ninety-nine fluffy laser cats on the wall, ninety-nine fluffy laser cats! Take one down, shoot it around, you got ninety-eight fluffy laser cats on the wall! Ninety-eight fluffy las-"

"Jake, if you keep singing I will make the last moments of your life miserable," Amy pauses for a moment in thought before continuing, "And that doesn't even fit the rhythm of the song. If you want to make the song about laser cats you have to put in an adjective with one syllable, not two. 'Cute' would've worked so much better."

Jake gives her a look before grinning once more and singing, "Ninety-nine annoying Amy Santiago's on the wall, ninety-nine annoying Amy Santiago's!"

She slaps his arm and tries to stop the smile from spreading across her face, unsuccessfully. As stressful as her job can be, doing it with people like Jake makes it a little more tolerable.

An explanation is probably in order. The two of them are from an underground operation meant to help those in need. After a nuclear war, government as they knew it began to crumble. With corrupt politicians, a president bent on doing only what was best for himself, and a complete lack of regard for the ordinary people of the country from anyone with any amount of power, some banded together to protect the ones who couldn't protect themselves (and with all the craziness that started after that war, damn did people ever need protection).

They've all been on a number of extreme missions, and everything has only gotten more dangerous as the years have passed. The war started about fifteen years ago, meaning a lot of the people working within their group didn't get to do stuff young people normally would. Amy knows for a fact that Jake had only just finished high school, and Amy herself had not yet graduated when the nukes started dropping, a thing which she is still pissed about because she had already written seven different drafts of her Valedictorian speech by that time and she hadn't even made it to twelfth grade.

A side-effect of the nuclear war was that cats somehow developed the ability to shoot lasers. Some people used the cats to help others (such as the do-groups people like them are involved in), but others used them for more malevolent purposes. After people began figuring out how to use them to their advantage, robbery, kidnapping, even murder became more common, and the government couldn't care less.

That's why these groups formed.

Theirs is fairly new, although they had almost all been involved in other do-groups previously. Amy worked in Pelham Bay, but had heard that more help was needed in parts of Brooklyn, and so she made the journey and joined another do-group. It also helped that she had two brothers living in the area at the time, though Tony moved just over a year later.

 Jake used to work in Staten Island where his mom moved after the war started, but later moved back to Brooklyn because he couldn't stand the amount of tanning salon fights he apparently had to break up.

There was also Charles, who had lived in Long Island with his wife. She had tried to convince him to move to Ottawa with her, but he eventually managed to tell her he didn't want to move. This resulted in her breaking up with him and moving to Ottawa by herself. Charles left Long Island shortly after and found his way into a do-group in their area of Brooklyn.

Rosa scared Amy. Rosa scared everyone. Nobody knows what exactly brought her to their particular do-group, but Jake once said that she used to live in Brighton Beach. Amy doesn't particularly believe that though because Jake also once told her that Rosa did ballet and used to have pink hair.

Amy isn't really sure what Gina contributes to the group, but Jake had apparently convinced their old captain that she would be a valuable member of the team and now their current captain, Holt, thinks she has some talents they can put to use.

The second-in-command to the captain is Terry. There's not really a designated title for anyone except the Captain but they all call him Sergeant, since he can be a little intimidating like a military sergeant when he needs to be. He doesn't go out in the field a whole lot anymore, but he's still extremely well-respected regardless. He worked in a different do-group is this area of Brooklyn until it was decided that another should be formed. He has worked here ever since.

Last is Captain Holt. He runs this do-group now that McGintley has retired/disappeared. He's pretty tough, especially when compared to his predecessor, but it's really what their do-group needed. This is the first group he's ever been able to lead, because apparently even in the apocalypse racism and homophobia are still flourishing, and he has outwardly stated that he will not let anyone do anything to screw it up for him. Amy remembers how happy it had made her when Holt had said that and looked pointedly at Peralta. Made her day.

"We should give our do-group a cool codename." Jake's voice breaks the silence once more. Amy shakes her  head at him, knowing a list of ridiculous names is about to spill out of his mouth before she can shut him up. "Like the Tool Chest! Then we could all have codenames to match. I would be The Hammer, you could be The Screwdriver, Rosa could be The Chainsaw, and-"

"Wait," Amy interrupts once more, "Shouldn't you be the screwdriver? You're the one always screwing up all your cases."

Jake puts a hand to his chest in mock offense, gasping dramatically, and he looks like he's about to fight her point, but then he gasps again, this time as if he's had some sort of groundbreaking realisation.

"Ninety-Nine Laser Cats! Like the song! We could call ourselves the Nine-Nine! And then we-"

Amy tunes out his excited rambling as she mulls it over in her head. It honestly sounds okay, way better than his usual ideas at the very least. Plus it would be nice to not have to call their meeting place the "Do-Group Headquarters." That sounded kind of tacky.

"Fine. But you," she jabs a finger in his direction for emphasis, "have to convince Holt yourself. I'm not gonna be a part of this is it goes badly."

Jake's entire being is almost radiating with glee, and he beams at her as she says this. "You like my idea! No take-backsies!"

He jogs off in the direction of the headquarters, excited to propose the idea to Holt. Amy follows closely behind. When they get back, Jake is immediately in front of Captain Holt, telling him all about his great idea and pleading for Holt to let the name change come to fruition.

"Interesting proposal. Would you give us all codenames as well, or is the only thing being renamed the do-group?" Holt asks. Jake looks up at him suspiciously for a moment, clearly trying to figure out what answer he wants.

"No," he says hesitantly, "It would just be the do-group being renamed."

Holt is quiet again for a moment, and the tension in Jake is palpable, even from where Amy is standing ten feet away.

"Fine. We will no longer call ourselves a do-group."

Jake's eyes light up, and he spins on his heels to face the rest of the group once more.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he announces, "Welcome to the Nine-Nine!"

**Author's Note:**

> this wasnt really edited at all so if there are any mistakes or something sounds awkward or its just plain bad thats why. i hope you enjoyed! this is probably gonna be a multi-chapter thing but knowing my track record for that kind of stuff that might not get too far
> 
> please leave a comment! i feed off of that and it honestly motivates me to write more!!!
> 
> also my tumblr is conner4realz.tumblr.com if anyone is interested


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